Are You Landing The Condor Or Picking Up Change Today?

Well, it's official.  I can't take crowds of people listening to music anymore unless I'm in front of them.  By gosh I've tried over the last few years and I think I'm going to settle on a stalemate as to whether or not I fit in anywhere and I think I'm fine with that.  It's an interesting thing to observe, groups of people enjoying different types of music, mostly because there's a whole lot of horseshit involved that people tend to cover up with feelings and ritualistic unthinking repetition.  Let me explain...

If you talk about dancing with certain people they liken the experience to free form movement, a sort of conduit to the soul.  It's an expression of the body and mind in a cathartic purging of emotion solicited by the type of music you're listening to at the moment  It's a visualization of the music form, a type of occular tapestry only conjured up by some crazy sounds arranged together and then decrypted in the mind to produce what is known as "dancing".  But if that's true then how come you never see anyone landing the condor at a hardcore show or no one picking up the change at a folk fest?  I mean, if the music just spurns your desire to dance, why is it so singular in form from genre to genre or event to event?  The answer is that it's not, people don't dance at music events to be individuals, they do it to fit in and look as stupid or as cool as everyone else.  You rarely see anyone doing the electric slide in the club anymore (although I do know some good ole boys who can two-step to just about anything).

At one of the last shows my band played at Amigos a couple of muscley, polo-shirted chaps were really digging our band.  The front row was basically full of our friends and family with a few new faces, which is always awesome, and the vibe was very punk-rock.  For those who don't know, the regular behaviour of a punk rock attendee at a sparse show is simply a crossed armed, wide-legged stance with a nodding head. Simple stuff for a music goer. The odd shadow dancer can be found if the mood so strikes, but that's usually it.  In between our songs the two fellows asked us if they wanted US to have THEM "fuck some shit up in the pit" for the next song, to which I simply replied "no".  In my brain I wanted to sit them down and explain how awful it would be if you ruined everyone else's experience by wrinkling the soft fabric of punk rock patronage we had going, but there was not enough time of course.  Instead, I just followed it with a "do want you want guys".  After all, I hate it when the singer tells me what to do at a concert.  They immediately looked confused, like for a second there was no construct to their behaviour in that situation.  What was it that they wanted to do?  They could do anything, the sky was the limit.  I think it hurt their thinking goo so much that they meandered away in a haze of confusion. Either that or we started to suck as I was very drunk at the time.

Well now that we've once again established my allegiance to the fun police, lets have a look at some of my favourite groups of people enjoying music!

Hippies

Without any cadence or respect for rhythm at all your typical hippie dancer is just letting it all hang out with careless abandon, except for the constant nagging suspicion that the person to their left looks far more flailed.  In that case the hippie must out flap the other.  Dances of note : Landing the condor, unintentional musk aeration.

Hardcore Kids

Hardcore kids need plenty of space to pretend fight air-enemies in a mosh pit.  Think of the most unorganized karate dojo in the world with an instructor wearing New Balance sneakers and mesh gym shorts telling all his students to "wake up" even though its clear that no one could sleep through all the low D chugging and cookie monster vocals.  Dances of Note : Picking up the change, mule kicks and Billy Blanks deep knee reps.

Christian Rock Fans

With their eyes closed and palms to the sky no other group of music fans is more indistinguishable than Christian Rock lovers.  Half the point of going to a show is to actually look at the musicians playing music, but that doesn't deter these fun loving worshippers from doing exactly what the person next to them is doing in order to stay with the pack.  I think it would be a funny joke for a Christian Band to start playing to a tape, wait till everyone goes into closed-eye fan mode and then leave the stage with only their clothes and guitars left behind.  You'd blow their fucking minds after the song finished every night!  Dances of note : Tickling the clouds, the breezy sway of christ.


Someday I will definitely make a part two to this list but I thought it would be enough for ample comparison.  The next time you're at any kind of show take a second and have a good look at the crowd and you'll find it to be sometimes more entertaining than the band. If you need me I'll be at home being a jaded fuck and listening to music on my headphones while remaining completely still.

You Are An Obsession

Whenever I get together with my friend Andy one of our favourite topics of discussion is obsessions.  We both share the same characteristic flaw (and I do consider it a flaw) where we get absolutely consumed with some trend or activity or tangible object so much to the point that it affects our day to day life.  All of these obsessions are mostly pretty harmless other than the utter distraction which is part of the parcel.  About a year and a half ago all we could think about were vans, like the old swanky automobiles, not the shoes (which was recently a small obsession I had).  We'd spend afternoons driving alleys looking for old beauties grown over with grass, convincing ourselves that we could fix tires and rust spots.  I luckily got the monkey off my back and moved on to the next obsession but Andy did end up getting himself a nice van which he still loves to this day.

Black Thunder.  Forged with Mjolnir in the fires of Surtur

For me , and this has been true since I was sixteen, my main obsession is with guitars.  I have always loved and yearned for numerous, different guitars with the obsession constantly changing rapidly without any warning.  And when I want them, I want them right now.  I am sometimes startled at how irrational the obsession is, hell I don't even like playing guitar that much.  My ability to focus on anything in my life is completely compromised when I've got my heart set on owning a new unit.  In an exercise to help alleviate some of my withdrawal symptoms, I present to you my top five list of guitars I am currently obsessed with right now.

Number 5:  ESP Eclipse (Vintage finish with a Bigsby tremolo)

This little dandy has everything I need in a shredder at home.  Ripping, heavy ESP sound and a great tremolo to mortar the odd dive bomb at the end of a noodle.  I have chubsy fingers and having a beautiful metal-vibe guitar with a thin neck around comes in extremely handy for recording and finger practice.  Great dark and gold tones on this beast as well. It looks like the guitar an Egyptian pharaoh would own.

Number 4:  Ernie Ball Albert Lee Signature Model

I've owned my fair share of Strats (Fender Stratocaster) in my day and I always end up hating them.  There's something about looking down on a Strat that just annoys the hell out of me, and don't get me started on those thin glassy sounds I have no use for.  Ernie Ball offers many Strat-ish offerings that, to me, are of better quality and sound.  I never really had a boner for this guitar until I saw that Nick Diener of The Swellers uses one.  That immediately gave the Albert Lee some serious rock cred.  Well I guess Albert Lee himself should probably as well.  Hyok!

Number 3:  Gibson Les Paul Traditional Pro

I'm a Les Paul man through and through.  For me they are the best playing and best sounding guitars on the market and the new Traditional models are superb.  The reason why I'm particularly obsessed with this model is because it was the one that got away on me.  My white whale.  You see, these particular guitars are exclusive to the huge American guitar store chain Guitar Center and during a stop in Las Vegas I had the chance to play one.  The clerk asked me what I liked and I said Les Pauls, to which he replied, "I have the best sounding and best playing Les Paul you'll ever put your hands on".  He was right.  It sounded like a chainsaw and played like gossamer silk all at the same time.  I passed on it and regret it to this day.

Number 2:  Gretsch Black Penguin

Dear Christ what a great looking guitar.  I've never been much for huge semi-hollow bodied guitars but I've always liked the dick on Gretsch White Falcons.  They're big and majestic and sound terrific but always a bit big for me to wank out on.  Then I discovered this mythical flightless bird and have gazed at it from my computer screen for hours.  I just recently acquired a Gretsch Power Jet (which I may or may not have made love to at this point) and now I'm hungry for more.  The day will come when I own this hot rod and I will definitely wear a bolo tie every time I pick it up.

Number 1 (Dant da da da):  Gibson Les Paul Buckethead Signature Model

Let me start by saying that I'm not at all into Buckethead, but I certainly appreciate his amazing skill and personality as a guitar player.  Somehow he's taken my ideal look of a guitar and applied it to a Les Paul Model with all the amenities and parts that I love.  It's a little oversized to match my ponderous bulk and big head, the white is so stark and bold that it really catches the eye and it has fuckin' arcade killswitches on the body to mute the output!  I think this guitar is punk as shit and was custom made for me.  It should be called the Gibson Les Paul Dan Smalldinkski signature model.  Hell I'd wear FULL bucket of KFC on my head to get one of these gems.

So there you have it, my list of guitars that I'm obsessing about.  If you're not into guitars please use the words above as an example of how bananas I am.  You're welcome.

"Jam Space" Shows

I love where our punk/metal/thrash/hardcore scene is right now in Saskatoon.  It feels really rooted and community minded and everyone is connected to each other more than ever.  We're all very underground once again as our brand of music has been curbed to the gutter to make way for new strange lifeforms in the semi-popular music realm and I couldn't be happier about it.  What I particularly love is that some of the most important new stories in the saskpunk canon are happening right in the very place my band and many others rehearse.  Let me explain...

About a year ago when Lady Deathstryke was a just an idea with a flagellum in our heads, we were looking for a place to rehearse for a very long time.  We lucked out and got a jam space that was affordable and worked quite nicely with our schedules.  The room was small but it was all we needed to get rockin' and I knew most of the people using the other rooms in the building so it was a great fit right off the bat.  The only caveat to the deal was that every now and then there were shows in the commons area for touring bands that needed an impromptu venue for a chance to strut their music and get a little gas money to get to the next town.  Fuckin' rights, no problem.  In fact, that's awesome.

And shows they indeed had! I've been to about 4 or 5 "Jam Space" shows and they've all been glorious. It's quite astonishing how good all the bands in Saskatoon are.  The level of musicianship, especially in the younger kids, is phenomenal and all the old balls bands are so honed in on their trade that it often makes me hate myself.  And when bands lack technical capability (whatever the shit that is) they always make up in personality and showmanship.  Pile on top a great touring band from one of our neighbouring cities and down it all with a few cheap beers and you're having yourself a time.

By the way this is called keeping it up.  Shove your double-kick up your ass and get on your horse if you want to thrash.

A few months back Luke and I went to Toronto to see a bunch of bands that we loved and stumbled across a phenomenal group from Gainesville called Young Livers.  They had just finished up opening the show for Against Me! and were absolutely phenomenal and I struck up a conversation with their bass player outside. We shared a cigarette together.  I explained to them that this tour they were playing on was originally supposed to play Louis', the bar I work at, in Saskatoon and that we were all disappointed that it didn't work out.  He didn't hesitate for one second.
" Can you get us a show? We have the day off and we need to play, we'll play anything.  A basement, someone's living room..."

I had the perfect spot available.

No Jamming In Punk Rock

Recently the band NOFX played at the quintessential feel good rock festival known as Bonnaroo and released this great pre-show interview with Fat Mike, the lead singer of the aforementioned band.

It's a great example of the apathy and loose lips Fat Mike and NOFX have always used to add some spine to the band.  He could absolutely care less about playing the festival, which to many upcoming artists (one local band in particular) as well a few established elders is quite a good notch to have on your rock and roll resume.  Fat Mike perfectly conveys the attitude that his band has had and kept over the last 20 plus years which has turned them into the band they are today.  I love it!

The comment that resonates so close with me as a fledgling punk rock musician is that "there's no jamming in punk rock" and he couldn't be more true.  I've always had a disdain for flowing, carefree make-up music that lingers on way too long to the point of absolute tedium.  I think that's what I find the most appealing about punk is it's rigidity and structure, the ability to be creative instantly within the same given form that everyone has yet somehow be better or worse inside that construct.  It's also the reason why i'm horrible at "jamming" with other people.  I'm completely inept at playing guitar with other people in a free-for-all musical situation and I really have no desire to get better at it.  To me, a song is something you figure out ahead of time, practice the piss out of it and then play with the fear of not messing up.  When you start free-balling your tune from what's recorded on your album is when I get completely lost.

All this reminds me of Roddy Doyle's novel/the movie "The Commitments" where Joey is giving it to Dean for liking Jazz.  He tells him that it's "The Antithesis of Soul" and how it's mostly undemocratic and basically a pretentious form of music.  That part of the story has always made me think about music genres.  It's always easy to do something different than everyone else, but to be the best within a structured confine really says something about your creativity.

In the end, as a music fan, it's what keeps you smiling.  I'll be in the back room of some small sweaty show in a basement or club with my arms crossed trying to look cool while others are outdoors reenacting what appears to be a slow backstroke or an eagle-landing catalyzed by some 9 minute, multi-intrumentalized crunchy groove.  There appears to be plenty of appetite for both but I think Fat Mike has good merit in showing that there's nothing wrong with keeping the two separate.  (Although they did have a damn good crowd at Bonnaroo and you can't tell me a few hippies who enjoyed Buffalo Springfield didn't dip over to help sing "Don't Call Me White" with the rest of the punks)

Perfect Albums

In my office my cohorts and I love to discuss all things music.  We work at a live music venue so it's impossible to go a day without discussing some topic pertaining to music including genres and techniques, cool bands and even just the industry itself.  Our variance in musical taste and attitude always sparks some good conversation but one recently in particular stands out.

The Juno nominations had just been released and it lead to a slough of personal picks racing through my mind that were clearly overlooked in different categories but most notably I couldn't believe that The Flatliners' album "Cavalcade" wasn't nominated for best rock album of the year.  I used the term 'Perfect Album' to describe it, which was received with puzzled looks by my friends in the office.

Much to my surprise they both were in agreement that there is no such thing as a 'perfect album' and that to use the description of such clearly made no sense.  I suppose the concept of an entire album being perfect is to liken it to a god-like, platonic archetype that nothing else can compare to and could thus lead to confusion.  My idea of a perfect album meets some stringent criteria but indeed does exist although very rarely.  Here's that list with examples of each (which I personally have deemed perfect albums at some point in my life)

I should point out that I like punk rock which is the armpit of music genres and this by no means is an exercise to get you listening to the same music I do.  That would be lame.

1.  The album must be completely listenable from front to back and in any order, but is particularly perfect when played in the set chronological playlist.  Perfect albums cause the listener to get lost in every song and never leave your CD player for months.

Example:  Reel Big Fish "Cheer Up".  I think I threw away every CD I owned in 2002 and was satisfied listening to every minute of this hour long album whenever a need for music came about.  When played in order "Cheer Up" has perfect pace but holds up equally as well on random.


2.  The album artwork must be intriguing and individual to the piece.  Albums are still things to hold and smell and explore.  I like to really finger the drapes of a good album while listening to it and if my senses aren't tantalized then I can easily write it off.

Example:  Less Than Jake "Anthem".  Each song basically has its own cover illustrated by a different artist and it is absolutely wonderful how each piece of art matches the mood of it's song so well.  You flip through the liner notes and art and immediately connect with the album.

3.  The lyrical content has to actually mean something or emotionally strike a chord in the beholder.  Perfect albums don't come from bubble gum sap barfed out of the radio.  There's a special place in hell reserved for records with lyrical filler.  Ask yourself, did I learn anything from listening to these songs or was it amazing how they rhymed the word "love" with "glove".

Example:  Anti-Flag "For Blood And Empire".  Not only did this record dominate the CD player in my car for a good year straight with its bouncy grit and tremendous bass lines, it was the first time I had heard 13 perfect 3 minute protests each about different compelling political and ethical issues.

4.  Lastly, and this bit of criteria is probably the most subjective to the beholder, the album should stand out as better than anything put out by the artist before or after it.  There are many cases where the bands listed above have put out singles or even parts of albums that are really good, but don't compare as a complete package.

Example:  RX Bandits "Progress".  "Progress" completely fits all 3 previous bits of criteria.  Every song is amazing, the visual layout is beautiful and every song truly conveys a message both sonically and lyrically.  The Bandits really changed their music after this album and many of their fans were able to connect to the changes but I wasn't one of them.

Perfect Albums!!  Use it!!!